literature

Flow

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heavenriver's avatar
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Literature Text

New year's first breath,
Dew turned to frost
Whispering springtime sweetness
In a bud's cloaked treasure
A butterfly's kiss,
The season of love
One nightingale's symphony
And summer came forth
Bright green leaves glowing,
Nature rejoiced
Then hailed brownish tree-hands
In their fluttering dance
Happily flying away
To distant homelands
From where once again
Host will be the snow
And now,
One year later,
New life to this flow.
Made for #theWrittenRevolution's One Year Later contest.

A simple ode to nature, whose briefness is supposed to reflect the eternal flow of time. I'm unhappy with many of its aspects though. :shrug:
Please tell me how I could improve the form: I'm unsure about the syntax, I think it came out too classic and I fear it also made the whole composition uninteresting. Am I right? Also, what about the subject in itself? I don't know whether I managed to create an imagery which is original enough - I did try, but I'm looking forward to some feedback on that side. Thank you in advance!
© 2011 - 2024 heavenriver
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TexasDreamer01's avatar
it's really cool how you cycle through each of the seasons; they each flow smoothly into the next without looking stilted. the syntax isn't classical at all (if what you're thinking about is 1800s-eqsue). the wording is still pretty modern so timeless, maybe? :)